Hello! As you already know, I am a mom. I have two beautiful daughters. Alexi is my 3 1/2 year old daughter and Arianna is my 6 year old step-daughter. I hate to use the term step-daughter, as she is really my daughter... her mother is what you would call a deadbeat, and does not contribute a single thing towards helping to raise Arianna. I just have such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that her mother, Tiffany, comes in and out of Arianna's life whenever she pleases and Arianna is the one who has to suffer through all of the painful emotions that get stirred up inside of her.
Tiffany left Arianna 2 years ago, as she chose herself over her family. She moved back from Florida to New York. There is a whole story as to why she left, but it all boils down to the fact that Tiffany wanted her own life without any strings attached. From what I have heard, Tiffany never really cared to be a mother and always chose to indulge in herself over spending time with Arianna. My husband is Arianna's father, and from the moment I met Arianna, it was very evident that she and her father had a bond that went beyond father-daughter. He is her stability, her security, and her world.
I met my husband, Brent, on December 31, 2007, just after Tiffany left. At the same time, I was going through a divorce with Lexi's father. Brent and I clicked right away, and our girls, despite the age difference, became friends instantly. Brent and I have a lot of the same interests, views on life, and believe in God. You can say that we are meant to be together, and anyone who knows us would agree.
Lexi and I moved in with Brent and Arianna in February of 2008 (I know, very quickly!). It is absolutely amazing how God places you in a safe place at the very moment you are about to crumble. I became Brent and Arianna's rock, and they became mine and Lexi's. As our household merged, an amazing thing had happened. We had become a family.
From the first day I met Arianna, she would talk about Tiffany. She had told me that her mommy was in New York and would ask me why her mommy left her. I did not know what to say. Brent would tell her that her mommy had to go back to New York to take care of her mommy but that she loved her very much. I could tell that Brent was hurting for Arianna. He was always the main caregiver, but he had been forced into the position as sole caregiver, and did not know how to protect Arianna from the pain of abandonment by her own mother.
I stepped in, as anyone who already is a mother would do, and did my best to make sure that Arianna had everything she could possibly need that she was missing in her life. The last thing that I wanted was for Arianna to feel like I had moved in to take her daddy away from her. Let me tell you, God is amazing, and all had fallen into place so perfectly that to this day it seems as if I am living in a fairytale. Arianna and Lexi are inseparable and Brent and I just got married on October 10, 2009.
Fairytales are not as they seem. A fairytale is not a perfect life, but the perfect life for you. Arianna still has crying spells 2 years later due to insecurities, but her life is more stable and loving than it has ever been. She speaks freely to Brent and I about how she feels about her mother. She loves Tiffany, however, she loves her because she is her mother, and no other reason.
Tiffany is involved in Arianna's life only through the telephone about once a week for 10 minutes. Tiffany does not send any money for child support, does not send Arianna letters, does not send gifts. She contributes nothing but her voice and broken promises. I hear Arianna playing in her room with her dolls. She always tells her dolls that their mommy is not coming back but that it is alright because they have another mommy who loves them and will do anything for them. Arianna is dealing with her loss at her own pace and is overall a very happy child, but I cannot imagine how this has impacted her life and if she will have any issues with self esteem in the future.
Last September of 2008, Arianna had asked me if she could call me mommy. As tears flowed down my cheeks, I scooped her up and gave her the biggest hug. I didn't want to let her go. From that day forward, Arianna has called me mommy. Arianna's mother knows that she calls me mommy, and despite her getting upset initially, she has not done a single thing to try to regain their relationship.
I wonder what Tiffany actually thinks about the situation that she is in. Does she even care that she has done this to Arianna? Why does she even still call Arianna? Is it to ease her own mind and make her feel like a better person? Why doesn't she just give her up so that I can adopt Arianna as my daughter? Does Tiffany even think about how Arianna feels?
Deadbeat moms do exist, however, so does God, and he has placed our family together for a reason... because we are perfect for each other and this is our fairytale.
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In every way that counts you are Ariana's mommy & Ariana has chosen that as much as you have really....I understand Ariana's view as I have always thought of my Step-Dad as more of my Dad than my father is though I love my father very much. She is lucky to have you & as she grows she'll realize that even more. (((HUGS))) to all of you for even though it's your fairy tail I know at times it is a confusing or maybe bewildering situation. But like you said, God has a reason for everything!
ReplyDeletethanks for bringing me to your story! i can see that GOD is with the children and has blessed your family!
ReplyDeleteAs sad as this story is and the facts are to face, the bottom line is Arianna has found a wonderful new Mommy. You know we all make many mistakes in life, but hopefully we learn and grow from those mistakes. But when a person continues to repeat the past over and over again we can only look at them with pity, as their life will be full of heartache and pain and they will miss out on all the joys life can bring. I for one consider my most precious joy, that of being a mother. Now although there is absolutely no excuse for the behavior of Arianna’s birth Mother we must not allow those negative feelings and thoughts toward her to over flow to Arianna. This little girl is very innocent and should not be privy to adult situations. She will in her own time come to sadly realize all of these things on her own. And that day will be the saddest of all for her birth mother. We are all in one way or another, products of our childhood and I know firsthand how having a dead beat parent can affect a child and even continue that into adulthood. Both Brent and Arianna have been greatly blessed by both God and the wonderful women who has come into their lives. As for this pitiful birth mother, well all we can do is pray for her and maybe someday she will come to the realization of what she has done and display some true and genuine remorse for it. There are two sayings that sum things up pretty good in this regard, one is : actions speak louder than words, and two: love is an action word. So my advice would be that until there is evidence to the fact, I would first let her know exactly how you feel, and then stop all communications with her and make it clear that until she shows that she can be trusted to be a loving active part of Arianna life, she will no longer be part of it. Sometimes you have to give people an ultimatum and take their power away to get them to change. Having said all this I can only tell you, that usually a leopard does not change its spots so you have two choices here, you can either continue on, being hostile angry and resentful of this woman’s unacceptable behavior or simply hand it all over to God and let him either change her or give you the tolerance you need to deal with her. Let’s face it for now she is Arianna’s birth mother and she is not going anywhere soon. But just take comfort that unless this women changes, Arianna at some point will cut the ties with her for everyone else.
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